Slayers Bedtime Tales: Lina and the 7 Chibi
by AsheRhyder
Summary: A parody of Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs. Higher rating because someone swears. 'Nuff said.


Disclaimer: The author is broke and doesn't own the characters that were created by people much more intelligent and by far better writers

Disclaimer: The author is broke and doesn't own the characters that were created by people much more intelligent and by far better writers. Please do not sue, or feed, the author. 

Slayers Bedtime Tales

Note: Italics represent Flashbacks 

Once upon a book of magic spells, there was a young sorceress named Lina Inverse. Now, when Lina was a very young child, her older sister and legal guardian Luna had to go away for a very long time to help some friends. However, Luna didn't come back, the city appointed a new guardian to the Inverse family fortune, and to keep Lina out of trouble. 

Unfortunately, Naga the White Serpent wasn't the ideal person to become the protector of the city from the child pyromaniac Lina Inverse. 

"Underdeveloped brat!" 

"Silicon storehouse!" 

"You're just like the road from here to Xianth! No Curves!" 

"Why, you..." 

"Cat fight." 

"Again?" 

"That makes, what, five times this week?" 

"Six." 

"SHUT UP!" 

Now, Naga was very vain. She used her somewhat screwed up powers to enchant her mirror, which didn't turn out exactly like she wanted it. What she wanted was a truthful mirror that told her exactly what she wanted to hear. What she got was a sarcastic mirror that only told her what she wanted some of the time. 

"Magic Mirror, in my hand,   
Who's the greatest in the land?" 

"Which land?" 

"This one, stupid!" 

"I'm a mirror, you're glue. Whatever you say reflects from me and sticks to you. BDDDDAAAA!" 

"How dare you?! I am Naga the White Serpent!" 

"So?" 

"Just answer my question, you hand glass, before I decide to break you. OHOHOHOHOHOHOH!" 

"Please no! Anything but that laugh!" 

"Then answer my question!" 

"I dare just fine." 

"WHAT?!" 

"Well, you told me to answer the question." 

"Not that question, the one before that." 

This kind of thing happened many, many times, until the sadistic Mazoku who had been possessing the mirror got bored and moved, thereby prompting the enchantment to work. Most of the time. 

"Magic Mirror in my hand,   
Who's the greatest in the land?" 

"Thy greatness is beyond words, true,   
But Lina Inverse out shines you!" 

"WHAT?! I am Naga the White Serpent! The superior to that underdeveloped twig of a girl!" 

"Though more power you may crave,   
You'll never match her Dragon Slave." 

"We'll see about that." 

One little detail about Naga that had been neglected to mention before; she was completely out of her mind. This alone caused several of the Inverse-White Serpent employees to snicker whenever she began one of her Mightier-Than-Thou speeches, but under the threat of her terrible laugh, they all obeyed her. The one exception being the Jack-Of-All-Trades-Whose-Name-Really-Isn't-Jack, but then again was the great/grandson of an old friend of Naga's. He had been dragged over by his 'old man' when the Red Priest decided to visit the White Serpent for tips on straight-jackets, seeing as how the priest was blind and therefore had no fashion sense.

__

"Rezo Akahoushi! Long time, no see! Did you stop by for a drink? And who is THIS handsome young man?" Naga threw open the door, which clattered against the wall that Lina had just finished scrubbing. Despite her power level, the threat of her guardian's laugh was too scary to stand against. Lina sighed, and went to fetch a toolbox. 

"Hullo, Naga. Of course, it's no see. I'm blind. No, I didn't stop for a drink. This is my great/grandson, Jack-Of-All-Trades-Whose-Name-Really-Isn't-Jack." The red-clad man pushed a boy in white forward, much to the youth's dismay. He grumbled something under his breath that sounded very much swearing, but nobody paid any attention to him. 

"What brings you here, old-timer?" Naga uncorked a bottle of wine, chugging it happily. Lina, having just returned with the toolbox, was ready to scream when the bikini-clad woman spilt wine-red liquid all over her nice, clean white couch. 

"My great/grandson, Jack-Of-All-Trades-Whose-Name-Really-Isn't-Jack led me here." The blind mage nodded in the general direction of the youth, who had a rather ominous storm-cloud growing over his head. Despite his very depressed and angry aura, the boy somehow managed to sweatdrop, as did Naga and Lina. 

"Do you ALWAYS call him that?" Lina butted in, and Naga cleared her throat. 

"What? You mean Jack-Of-All-Trades-Whose-Name-Really-Isn't-Jack?" The sweatdrops doubled in size. 

"Yes." Lina poured stain remover on the spill, having forgotten about the door. 

"No, I just call him Zelgadis." At this point, the young man stood up, made a bee-line for the tool box, and got to work fixing the door. The cloud over his head slowly became fluffy and white, and then dissipated. 

****

Flash forward a few hours 

"Are you sure that this is a better color than the old one?" Rezo held up two identical straight jackets, although he couldn't see either. 

"Black is good for EVERYBODY!" Naga grinned. 

"Thank you very much." He stood, and walked into the newly repaired door, breaking a priest-shaped hole through it without so much as noticing. Zelgadis, the Jack-Of-All-Trades-Whose-Name-Really-Isn't-Jack, scowled and went to go get more wood to fix the door again_, stripping off his sweat-stained shirt in the process. On the way out to the lean-to, he met up with Lina carrying a basket of dirty clothes to wash. He tossed his shirt onto the top of the pile, then continued on his way, ignoring her swearing behind him. _

****

Flash forward another hour or so 

Having finally_ fixing the door again, and repairing the hole in the wall from where the doorknob broke through the plaster, Jack-Of-All-Trades-Whose-Name-Really-Isn't-Jack sat back and admired his handiwork. Sweat gleamed on his blue stone skin, and he looked and felt utterly exhausted. Seeing his great/grandfather nowhere in sight, he fell asleep under the staircase. _

Jack-Of-All-Trades-Whose-Name-Really-Isn't-Jack had just hung around after that, taking care of the day-to-day repairs that seemed to stack up. Some of the more frightened employees quit after his arrival, namely because they were obsolete and Naga was getting scarier and scarier every day. 

"Jack-Of-All-Trades-Whose-Name-Really-Isn't-Jack!" Naga roared, fists clenched by her side. Said young man appeared in a blur of ivory and blue. He bowed slightly, rolling his eyes under the cover of his hood and long-ish hair. 

"???" He said nothing, but his question was still expressed. 

"I want you to take Lina to the forest, kill her, and bring me back her heart!" Lightning flashed dramatically behind her, and she laughed maniacally. 

"!?!?!" Again he didn't speak, but his eyes widened significantly. 

"You heard me! Bring me back the heart of Lina Inverse!" She cleared her throat as a symbol of her ever-standing threat, and he quickly darted off. 

Lina had a few encounters with the Jack-Of-All-Trades-Whose-Name-Really-Isn't-Jack, but he never talked unless he had to. So she was rather surprised when the quiet young man approached her and motioned for her to follow. 

"Jack-Of-All-Trades-Whose-Name-Really-Isn't-Jack, where are we going?" He gestured deeper into the forest and continued to tread softly. 

"Why?" She asked for the sixth time as they walked down the forest path. His sharp blue eyes traveled to her for a moment, then he halted abruptly and drew his sword. He spun around so fast that she didn't know the tip of his sword was against her throat until she almost impaled herself against it. 

"Run." He told her. "Now." 

"What?" She blinked, drawing back. 

"Go into the forest, and don't come back." He hissed, dropping his weapon. "Naga wants you dead. I can't kill you." 

"What are you talking about?" A Fireball started to glow in her hand, but he waved his hand in a dismissive gesture. 

"You were kind to me." He replied. "I can't repay your kindness by killing you."

__

Having just kicked a violent and large drunk man off the Inverse-White Serpent property, the Jack-Of-All-Trades-Whose-Name-Really-Isn't-Jack sported a black eye, bleeding nose, and split lip. He leaned against the gate of the estate, his breathing shallow. For a drunk, the man had been a rather good fighter, and he hadn't been able to take him down without killing him, so he had taken a good bit of damage. The fact that the trespasser was wearing iron knuckles didn't help, either. 

"For crying out loud, what happened here?" Lina, carrying a lantern and looking very aggravated, found him on the edge of his consciousness as his body worked double time to heal itself. His gem-like eyes fell on her, reflecting his exhaustion and pain. 

"Nothing." He closed his eyes and rested, trying to concentrate on the recovery process. 

"How'd you get all beat up?" She raised her eyebrow, setting down her light and kneeling over him. He opened his eyes in annoyance and surprise, but did not speak. She frowned, and cast a healing spell on him before standing once more. 

"Come on, I'll get you some ice for your eye."

"Run!" Jack-Of-All-Trades-Whose-Name-Really-Isn't-Jack yelled, his eyes flashing like jewels. "You'll be safe in the forest." 

"What about you?" She called, backing into the woods. 

"Don't worry about me, Lina." A smile very slowly crossed his lips. "There's a house, in a clearing where the stream begins. Now GO!" He turned around and disappeared into the shadows, no mean feat when he was dressed all in white. 

"Thank you!" She yelled. "Zelgadis..." 

Lina ran deeper into the woods, muttering obscenities that woodland creature mothers censored from their little woodland creature babies. She didn't want to have to face the dreaded laugh of her legal guardian, the sound that made the bravest of men wet their iron armored pants, and made babies in the next three towns start to cry. Hell, it had been known to wake the dead, on occasion. 

"SHUT UP, DAMMIT! WE'RE TRYIN' TA BE DEAD!" 

In fact, Lina was half ready to turn around, march right up to Naga, and Dragon Slave her out of the misery of the common man. However, that would require her to be deaf, first. 

Fortunately, she found the cabin that the Jack-Of-All-Trades-Whose-Name-Really-Isn't-Jack had been talking about. It was a small building, but it looked like it had been decorated by seven different designers. One of the windows had little swords of light curtains, and there was one with chibi blonde guys, another had golden dragons, and there was one with dead animal bodies, and with some unknown chibi guy with long red hair, and a pair of curtains with a ratty old hat pattern, and a silly looking ornament that looked like it had been cut and pasted by a three-year old. 

Inside, she found a table set for seven, but all seven plates were different. Actually, they all matched one of the sets curtains, with minor differences. The swords of light one was extra large, the chibi blonde was VERY close to the swords of light, the gold dragons also had little maces, the dead animals had suspicious bits of fur and what looked like blood on it, the chibi red-head guy also had a decoration of a three headed dragon, the ratty hats had little odd looking swords, and the cut and paste masks... had two things doodled all over it; hearts and 'ZOMALGUSTAR'. 

"What the hell is a 'Zomalgustar'?" 

Lina's run through the forest had made her extremely tired, and so she decided to take a nap. If the people who lived there had a problem with it, she could always Fireball them away. Besides, from the size of the furniture, they were probably kids and wouldn't mind the company. She found a small staircase, and followed it up to a large bedroom-like area. There were six small beds, with blankets that matched the curtains. Only some of the beds were made, however; the swords of light, chibi redheads, and dead animals looked like they had never been made. The double-size bed with ratty hats and masks had a draw-out wall that Lina wasn't sure she wanted to know the purpose of. A yawn caused Lina to remember what brought her up to the bedroom in the first place, and so she scooted two of the beds together and laid down across them to sleep. 

Hours later, when the sun had fallen and the stars and moon were the only light, seven short shadows tromped out of the darkness and towards the house. They marched in single file line, except for the last two, one of which marched and the other of which had attached itself to the marching one. As they walked, the diminutive creatures sang what had once been a song, long before they mutilated it with their incompatible voices (and occasional flats or sharps). 

__

"Chibi~i, chibi~i   
Tiny folk are we,   
We work all day and sleep all night,   
Chibi~i, chibi~i." 

They marched into their little house, marched up to the bedroom, and made noises of surprise when they saw Lina lying on their beds. 

"Eeek!" 

"What's that?" 

"It's on my bed!" 

"I just washed those sheets!" 

"Duh..." 

"Where? I can't see over my hat..." 

"@&*(^#&!(&~~@^!@%#$!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

Lina woke up as seven voices began talking at once. Okay, six were talking, the seventh was swearing up a green streak with blue and purple polka dots. She opened her eyes, and was unpleasantly surprised to see thirteen bright and shiny eyes around her. It would have been seven pairs, but one of them had something over their right eye. She was quite shocked when all the little people screamed and started running around in a chaotic scramble, and somewhat amused when they all crashed into each other and landed in a pile on the middle of the floor. 

"Duh..." 

"Gourry-sama!" 

"Zomalgustar will see that you pay for this!" 

"Calm down honey..." 

"Who's got their hand on my ass?" 

"NAMAGOMI!" 

"#(*$%&^@%#^&##@*$&^#(*@#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

Once every one had been sorted out, and appropriately bashed for being perverted, the small people, or chibi as they preferred to be called, introduced themselves. The one with the Swords of Light for main decorations was Gourry, and the chibi-blonde holder was Syphiel. The golden dragons belonged to Firia, and the dead animals were Xellos'. Zangulas had the ratty hats, and he also wore one, and his wife Martina had the childish masks. Last but not least was Val, who swore more times in one minute than Lina had ever heard in her life (which was quite a lot). 

After the parties in question worked out an agreement where Lina kept the house from being raided by bandits and acquired something for them all to eat and the chibi let her stay with them, they all went to bed. This including Lina, who appropriated their pillows and made a nice little mattress out of them on the floor. 

Meanwhile, back at the estate... 

Jack-Of-All-Trades-Whose-Name-Really-Isn't-Jack had just presented the heart of a small mammal to Naga. He figured that the crazy woman wouldn't realize it wasn't a human heart until after he had managed to escape. Fortunately, he was right. He had just been able to skip town when Naga went to ask her enchanted, sometimes working mirror the fated question of all questions. 

"Magic mirror in my hand, Who's the greatest in the land?" 

"Hi! I'm back!" 

"Who are you?" 

"Remember when you used to get really stupid answers and jokes from your mirror?" 

"Yeah..." 

"That was me!" 

"WHAT?!" 

"I'm a sadistic little Mazoku who has gotten bored with the other stuff I was doing. I missed bugging you!" 

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" 

Eventually, she was able to find out that the Jack-Of-All-Trades-Whose-Name-Really-Isn't-Jack had tricked her, and this made her furious. After threatening the Mazoku with an eternity of her terrifying laugh, she was able to find out where Lina was staying. Even Mazoku can't stand up to Naga's laugh for all eternity, after all, before it completely eats away at their psyche. 

One Week Later... 

Lina shooed the chibi out of the cottage, nearly having to kicking Gourry and Xellos out, then settled into a nice warm tub of water for a much deserved bath. She had found out exactly why the chibi needed to have someone guard their house a few days ago. The chibi worked in a hidden mine and dug out all sorts of precious jewels, for which they had no use, but it was something to do anyway. Of course, Lina found a way to stash a few inside her cape each day... 

A knock on the door elicited several curses from the sorceress, who debated on just laying in the tub and ignoring the person, or getting up and answering the door. More than likely it was a salesperson... Then again, it could be something important. 

"Ha!" She laughed. "And I'm the Queen of Seyroon..." She threw on a robe as she stormed up to the door, still muttering along the way. She opened the door a crack, ready to slam it shut again if it was indeed someone with something to sell, but what she saw made her jaw drop in shock. She fell back, pale as a ghost, as a tall and curvy shadow fell over her. Lina Inverse, though certainly brave enough to stand up to Dark Lords and crazy Dragon/Mazoku fights, was still human, and capable of having one deep fear. 

What she heard next would be the last thing she ever heard. 

The chibi, in their distant mine, all stopped short in what they were doing when the most horrible sound they ever heard echoed through the underground passage. Firia, Martina, and Syphiel all dropped to their knees and covered their ears, while Xellos, Zangulas, and Gourry ran screaming in confused circles. Even Val blanched considerably. And, being the only one with some common sense left after the audio attack, the redhead chibi worshiper led his still dazed companions to confront the cause of such torture. 

They came upon their cottage, and saw Lina lying on the front door with no signs of life. Naga, was still gloating, turned upon hearing the outraged cries of the chibi. It took an embarrassingly long moment for her to find the source of the noise, namely because the enraged chibi were out of her line of sight. When she did locate the little miners, she began to coo over them and make sickeningly sweet comments about how adorable they were. Very few people were able to get past the chibi's first line of natural defense: unnatural cute-ness. 

"Awww, what adorable little ... things you are!" 

"Syphiel, why is she dressed like that?" 

"Gourry-sama... she scares me!" 

"Don't touch the hair!" 

"Hi!" 

"Get off my hat!" 

"Zomalgustar smite you!" 

(*#&@#*%&^$%^%^$#%$*&^)_+*%$#@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

Of course, with a chibi like Val, cute-ness tends to be wasted... 

"Shame on you, you cute little thing! You shouldn't use words like that! Now I, Naga the White Serpent and champion over Lina Inverse, shall have to punish you!" With that, she picked up the stunned chibi and proceeded to spank him soundly. The jaws of the other chibi dropped, making little dents where they hit the ground. The male chibi winced and turned away, and the girl chibi cried on their shoulders. Val's little face turned red with embarrassment and anger. He tore free from the grip, and, in a rage that could still qualify as somewhat cute, yelled: 

"CHARGE THE BITCH!!!" 

before attacking with multiple spells of mass destruction. The other chibi wasted no time in hauling ass to tear the evil Naga apart, seeing as how she had not only wasted their bodyguard, but spanked Val as well. There was only so much indignity a chibi could bear before cutting loose like the tiny killing machine it is. Swords of light, Dragon Slaves, Chaotic Disintegration, unnamed blasts of Mazoku power, Howling Swords, and curses from Zomalgustar were rapidly used to massacre Naga. Well, they tried, at any rate. Any lethal attack performed by a normal size being would have been effective, however, considering how small the chibi are compared to Naga, they didn't end up working too well. 

"OOOOOOOOOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOH!" 

With one lethal laugh, she knocked all the poor chibi away from her. They collided with trees, and watched little stars run around their heads as the rocked back and forth in their disorientation. 

"Silly little... whatever you are. You must be punished for trying to hurt Naga!" 

At this, all the chibi began to cry. None of them wanted to go anywhere near her again, she was much too scary. They all understood why Lina couldn't stand her legal guardian. Naga prepared to laugh once more, but there was the sound of something sharp whistling through the air, and something hollow hitting the ground. 

"Finally. I thought the bitch would _never _shut up." 

All the chibi opened their eyes, and looked up at their savior. 

"JACK-OF-ALL-TRADES-WHOSE-NAME-REALLY-ISN'T-JACK!!!" 

And there was much glomping. 

Jack-of-All-Trades-Whose-Name-Really-Isn't-Jack sighed and peeled the overzealous chibi off of him, scowling all the while. 

"Honestly, I leave for a few weeks, and you all become hopelessly pathetic." 

"We did not!" 

"Oh really?" 

"Ha, you're just cocky 'cause ya got some height now." 

"Yeah, don't forget, Rockhead, you used to be one of us!" 

"Shut up, Xellos, before I punt you into next Thursday." 

"Please?" 

"... Where's Lina?" 

"Lina?" 

Chibi sweat drops rolled down their heads as they worried. Jack-of-All-Trades-Whose-Name-Really-Isn't-Jack was a lot bigger than he used to be, and a lot stronger now, too. And he had off-ed Naga. 

"Yes, Lina. Naga wanted her dead, so I sent her hear for safety. Obviously, since Naga is here, so is Lina." 

"Oh yeah... that Lina..." 

Jack-of-All-Trades-Whose-Name-Really-Isn't-Jack was getting impatient. And irritated. It was not pleasant. 

"Yes, where is Lina?" 

Very, very cautiously, the chibi pointed to where the red head laid motionless on the floor of the cottage. Jack-of-All-Trades-Whose-Name-Really-Isn't-Jack was _not _pleased. 

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO LINA?!" 

"It's all her fault!" 

Every last one of the chibi pointed to the now decapitated Naga. 

"We were minding" 

"our own business," 

"and she" 

"caught Lina" 

"off guard" 

"while we were" 

"at the mines!" 

Jack-Of-All-Trades-Whose-Name-Really-Isn't-Jack sighed, remembering how he had once been subjected to the same kinds of conversations every day. With a scowl firmly in place, he walked over to Lina's motionless form and gently picked her up. He studied the situation for a moment, checking for breathing and a pulse. Luckily, he found both. Now it was just a matter of waking her up. That could be a problem, considering that Naga's laugh was terrifying enough to cause Lina's consciousness to flee to the nether reaches of her brain. 

"What will snap her from this fear induced coma..." 

The chibi known as Gourry looked up from the garden he had been examining (he had the attention span of a gnat, remember?), and held up a bright red rose. On said rose was a big, gray, slimy slug. Jack-Of-All-Trades-Whose-Name-Really-Isn't-Jack smirked. 

"This will do nicely."

Several countries away, Princess Ameria looked up from her studies. She could have sworn that she heard someone screaming, begging for salt. There was also the very, very faint sound of someone laughing, and seven echoing thuds, as if something small had been punted a great distance. 

Even farther away, a crazy old man who didn't look old at all laughed madly from the confines of his black straight jacket. Seven thuds later, the chibi who landed at his feet started screaming madly. 

Back at the cottage... 

"Lina! Calm down! The slug is gone now. See? It's melted." 

"...Really?" 

"Would I lie to you?" 

"..." 

"I guess not." 

Jack-Of-All-Trades-Whose-Name-Really-Isn't-Jack held his hand out to her, smiling a real smile. Not one of those 'I-Know-Something-You-Don't-Know' smirks, or those 'I-Think-I'll-Go-And-Do-Something-Really-Evil' smiles, but a 'I'm-Happy-Because-I'm-With-You' grins. 

"Thanks, Zel." Lina smiled at him, and he offered her his arm in a gentlemanly manner. 

"Your estate, Naga free, awaits, milady." 

"That's the best news I've heard in a long time, Zel. A LONG time." 

And of course, they lived happily ever after. Even when Rezo shipped the chibi to them and billed them for the damage to his asylum, and when Princess Ameria tried to catch Jack-Of-All-Trades-Whose-Name-Really-Isn't-Jack's eye. 


End file.
